Alright time to channel some shit.
Over the last couple years my subconscious has been crawling into my awareness screaming at me phrases like, "God does not care about me", "Go kill yourself", "No one cares about me", " I Hate Myself", and "I am ready to die" among others. I am frustrated that I have this perception of myself. In fact it is likely this subconscious that is inflicting damage on my ability to make effective "strong" decisions. It is time I reach into the shadow of my soul and insert the image of a man rather than cowering child.
I got high like two years ago and accidentally discovered IFS (Internal Family Systems) Therapy. I may have been hanging out with friends walking around and watching movies but in my mind I was going through the cringiest moments of my existence viewing them from the perspective of an outsider. I was getting in touch with who I was and am. I experienced this overwhelming sense of rejection of who I was in reality and desired my delusion of self retake its place within my consciousness. I could not reject these thoughts, they washed over me just like falling into water. I had to confront them right there and then and there was no way of getting out. From my subconscious came an entity, a persona I could wear. This entity contained the impression of my grandfather and he walked me through these experiences shaping my perspective with a context that worked to empower who I was rather than shrivel into a cuck unworthy of anyone's attention.
The way I see things, I have no choice but to become the embodiment of this impression of my Grandfather. This world may be a simulation just like all the others ones but it is still a reality and worth treating as such. This means that am not allowed to montage or time skip my way to self actualization like Adam Sandler tried in Click. No I must take every step of this journey myself. This is not starting from nothing, I am already in the middle of this journey I just need to figure out what direction I am heading and sail the winds of fate.
What the fuck am I trying to do here. These are just a bunch of masturbatory platitudes not a outline of some groove I can spend the rest of my life carving out. What do you want the rest of your life to look like? Are you going to let your current path play out and die in mediocrity? You expecting to get checked up on in your 50's by the prime movers because you had ample opportunity to become one and squandered them all. Do you expect this groveling child of a persona you live to never evolve into..... into..... into.... what. Remember humanity can disappear like a face drawn in sand at the edge of the sea. You literally have the power to channel your agency and influence what fate can be. God is just the universe, the singularity, having a conversation with itself. Stop pretending to be whatever you think you are supposed to be and remember who you were. Align yourself with your personal legend.
Let's do some alchemy shall we,
- INGREDIENT #1: DON'T BELIEVE THE WORLD'S GREATEST LIE
- INGREDIENT #2: KNOW WHAT YOU WANT
- INGREDIENT #3: FOLLOW THE OMENS
- INGREDIENT #4: MAKE A CHOICE
Alright what's the World's Greatest Lie?
That at a certain point in our lives, we lose control of what’s happening to us, and our lives become controlled by fate. That’s the world’s greatest lie.
I reject "fate" and believe in free will. I choose my own "fate". Accepting absolute responsibility for everything that happens to oneself is one of the paths to happiness, I would do well to remember that.
Alright what do I want?
I want to be a techno sage. I want to help craft the values, customs, practices, beliefs, or "religion" of whatever regime takes responsibility for the course of human history after the 21st century.
But delusional child these are merely abstractions, masturbatory platitudes, what do you want that is within your grasp today?
I want to see the inner workings people's souls. Not the souls of strangers but the souls of my friends and family. I already have the capacity to ask people questions that will make them reexamine their life, maybe I can ask my close friends and family questions that will change the course of their lives. I already have the capacity to be the smokey mirror. Now look into the mirror, what do you see in your reflection......
I see a flaw in you child. You always see yourself as the observer rather than the player. You are a piece in the grand game and you better get used to that, that is what you asked, or shall I say begged, for after all. You are deluding yourself with an answer that you know what you want. The universe likes to provide you omens but you are horrible at listening to them. This may be because of this dysfunctional self loathing parasite hiding in your subconscious but there is something more. Your actions screamed of your personal legend, the universe answered, and you refused to dance. Your groveling man child persona that you still wear today consumed you. This is a curse you cast on yourself by choosing to do things your own way. Remember that, you made these decisions. We have to live with our mistakes. You have enough breath left to make it to the surface but your character better be deserving of the life you want to live. You are not used to living a life where fate was not already chosen for you. You still have your Hegelian guide rails child you just need to acknowledge what you are actually piloting. Remember when you awoke and felt like you were driving an Evangelion, control over every muscle in that body of yours, like a monster standing above nature. You were left there standing literally naked having remembered for the first time who you were, you drove that body around like a machine. Sadly you did not and still don't know what to do with this life you have been given. Take some time and listen to your own soul stop trying to design it like an engineer would design a car. You are a piece of nature, the machine you are trying to become is you. The groove's are already lying there for you to follow. Feel which one fits nicely and follow it towards your destiny and become a Man worthy of life.
That's deep bro. Wait did I write that.... Yup.
I am thou, thou art I.
I am the protagonist of my own story. Time to start actually writing, I mean living, a story worth remembering.